I want to discuss a Humans of New York post that I recently read, in hopes that maybe we can make sense of a difficult perspective and figure out the what kernels of truth should be extracted:
“I was like an ‘incel’ kid. I’d never had a girlfriend. I’d only had sex with prostitutes. I was very suicidal. Then one day I was standing next to a cute girl at a bus stop, and I googled: ‘How to approach women.’ That’s when I came across a forum for pick-up artists. It’s exactly what I’d been looking for. It seemed like a cure for my autism. I watched all the videos I could find. I started working out at a gym. I’d spend all day approaching women. Soon I was only hanging out with other pick-up artists. They respected me. They wanted to learn from me. Finally there was something I was good at. Right now I have over one thousand numbers in my phone. It’s a bit like gambling. Sometimes it goes well. Sometimes it doesn’t. But you always have the chance for sex. There are so many tricks to learn. Women have emotional brains. They get addicted to feelings. You can use that to your advantage. The first time you meet her—tell her she looks amazing. But never give her a full compliment again. She’ll always chase that validation. It’s like a drug. Tell her ‘she looks beautiful for her age.’ Tell her ‘she looks good in this lighting.’ Keep her insecure with half compliments. Keep her feeling like there’s something wrong with her. Like she’s not good enough for you. Like she needs sex for validation. Of course it’s manipulation, but why should I care? I’ve been manipulated so many times in my life.”
What are you feeling right now after reading this? Many contemporary influencers would only allow one reaction: this creep is a menace to women and needs to be stopped. Such a post has likely reinforced a popular worldview to many that men, especially young white heterosexuals, pose a greater threat to the goal of submissive progressivism than any other faction of people. Without letting this guy off the hook completely, I do want to propose an alternate reaction, which is one of reasoned compassion.
Let me begin by saying that I don’t see believe the hype when it comes to shaming men for trying to learn how to interact with women. For some reason as a society we fully advocate for education in its most meaningless forms, but scoff at people who try to learn how to manage their emotions in healthy, productive ways. How many times have the female readers been approached by annoying, fumbling, incompetent men? How about by drunk, abrasive, or rude men? How about any man at all? I must congratulate this young man for identifying a problem in his life and learning how to fix it. Confidently and smoothly talking to women requires an immense amount of bravery and fortitude—we don’t like being rejected anymore than you like the awkwardness of poor social skills. Furthermore, part of the initial attraction phase of any encounter deals with a lot of palpable emotions, like laughter, excitement, and tension. There is a give and take that dictates all conversation, especially brand new ones, and learning how to manipulate emotions does not make a man disgusting, it makes him quite good at the art of conversation. The entire mating ritual is highly combustible, and the highs you feel as a man from putting yourself out there and attracting a beautiful women cannot be put into words. Plus, if this guy has developed a keen awareness of his actions and methodologies, the women in these exchanges likely feel a sense of excited satisfaction as well. Demonizing him for understanding how to illicit favorable responses from women while we live in a #MeToo world that thinks many young men are sexually aggressive predators is completely illogical and asinine.
What stings about the post is his admittance to also manipulating women’s negative self-image as a ploy to engender approval seeking behavior. Advertisers and social influencers do it all the time through envy-inducing imagery, by the way, so be wary of your hypocrisies when emotions bubble up unconsciously. Playful teasing can become psychotic torment very quickly if you’re dealing with a sociopath, but no matter your worldview, you must admit that a little push-back, hard-to-get gamesmanship is incredibly thrilling and sexy. Frankly most couples yearn for those moments after years of hard reality becomes so much was at stake in those first few conversations. The act of sexually jousting places you square in a flow state, also knows as the present moment—the most intoxicating headspace we as humans can find in ourselves. But strong, vibrant, humbly dominant men should always come from a place of abundance and not a place of suffering. We should understand the rules of the game, know what women find sexually attractive (which requires learning for most), and seek to make a woman’s life better with our energy. In this vaulted paradigm you will not project any neediness, you will pump and release her emotional state, and deliver her a thrill from a place of sly, confident seduction.
My hope for this young man is that he can release the anger he feels toward women and use his newly found confidence and status to make women’s lives more exciting and meaningful. Hopefully next time you read such an honest admission, you will stop to reconsider your own presuppositions, control your emotion, and form an opinion from a superior viewpoint that includes more truth than hyperbole. SlyHard, baby.
Tell me what you think on Twitter @slyhardmedia, or better yet, write your own opinion and maybe I’ll feature it on the site!
Be on the lookout for my new book, The Blue State Letters, a political satire, coming in early 2020.